I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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