ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
