I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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