Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
