life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
