I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
