my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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