I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
