I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
