i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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