I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
