Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
