you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
