If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
