I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
