I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
