I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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