Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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