I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
