I love black thongs
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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