It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
