the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
