my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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