at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
