She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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