Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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