I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
