Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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