after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
