Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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