I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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