I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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