I met the friendliest cop last night
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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