All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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