she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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