I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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