My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
