I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
organizing the empties. That sober.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
