Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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