I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
