Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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