Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
