ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
