i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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