The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
