I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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