mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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