did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
