My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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