Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
