and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
