i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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