I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
