If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
