Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i was born a porn star she said
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
