you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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