be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
