Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
