Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
