I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
